I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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