i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
