my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
