Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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