Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
