Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
