I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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