I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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