If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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