I can't watch pbs sober anymore
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
