I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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