im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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