Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
What drink are we having for lunch?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
