this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
