she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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