so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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