The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
