maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
