made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
