My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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