I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
