dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
