my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
