I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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