When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
