No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
