I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
