just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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