cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
