Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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