I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
