when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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