Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
