Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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