Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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