Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize