I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
