i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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