just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
