I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he puts the penis in happiness.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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