the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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