so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize