So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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