I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
