The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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