Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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