Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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