I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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