Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
