Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
