I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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