my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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