he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize