I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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