Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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