i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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