Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
