i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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