dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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