I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
