I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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