Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize