Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He kissed a someone with a penis
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
