This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
