You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
